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Easy New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep – Funny Jokes

resolution

  1. Spend more time watching TV/movies.
  2. Chat more over the internet.
  3. Read less.
  4. Put on at least 30 pounds.
  5. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  6. Procrastinate more.
  7. Drink. Drink some more.
  8. Start being superstitious.
  9. Spend more time at work. Get less done.
  10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  11. Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

0 bottles of beer on the wall – Jokes

0 bottles of beer on the wall,
0 bottles of beer!
take one down,
pass it around,
4,294,967,295 bottles of beer on the wall!

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Hilarious reasons for breaking up with someone – Funny Texts

break up

  • She’d wait until she had the bartender’s attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink.
  • She had a mole on her eyelid. Every time I kissed her I saw it when I was leaning in. I started having dreams that the mole was talking to me.
  • She pronounced ‘coleslaw’ as ‘cold-slaw’.
  • When she watched shows on the DVR she wouldn’t fast forward through the commercials.
  • Every time I yawned, she thought it hilarious if she stuck her finger in my open mouth.
  • She ate her peas one at a time. ONE AT A TIME!
  • She didn’t believe in the moon landing.
  • She held her fork overhanded, as in the shovel technique. You can’t take someone like that anywhere.
  • I looked at him, really looked at him from a distance, and realized that his head was just waaaaay to big for his body.
  • Her mouth made a trapezoid when she talked.
  • She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries. No substitutions.
  • She walked too slow. We’d go out somewhere and walk down the street and I’d turn around and she’s 20 feet behind me.
  • I couldn’t stand her name: Antoinette. I tried to get her to go by Tony, no such luck. She had to go.
  • He didn’t take off his underwear during sex. Ever.
  • She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed by while driving. “Jiffy Lube. Huh, a Spencers. Gym-boooo-ree.”(That’s how she would say it.)
  • She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee, leaving clumps of coffee sugar.
  • One day I realized she looked like Paul Dano and I couldn’t unsee it.
  • It was four days before my birthday and she said she was going to get me a gift. I knew I couldn’t break up with her for at least 30 days after accepting her gift. I wasn’t willing to make a 34-day commitment to the relationship.
  • Her apartment was an 8th floor walk up.
  • She walked like a T. Rex.
  • She wore the same deodorant as my mother.
  • She was the loudest eater I ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of “mmm” and “nom”s as well. It was like dating the cookie monster.
  • She put mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand.