TO ALL EMPLOYEES [EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY]
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.
-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND WORKPLACE BULLYING
-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.
-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks’ notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Regards, HR Department
Everyone is John is a humorous, competitive roleplaying game about playing the various personalities of John, an insane man from Minneapolis. One participant is the GM, or, in Everyone is John lingo, “Everyone Else.” All of the other players are Voices in John’s head.
Everyone is John uses six-sided dice (you really only need one, but it might be easiest if every participant carries one) for play.
Voices are the Player Characters of Everyone is John. They are defined by a simple character sheet:
Willpower is a pool of points that the Voice can spend to take control of John or improve its chance of success in any given action. Willpower will go down and up a lot in the game, so it might be easier to represent it with tokens rather than numbers on a page. Willpower starts off at 10 for most Voices.
Each Voice has two or three skills. This is a freeform game, so just write down a short description of the skill, like “Drives well,” or “Good at persuading people.” Most Voices have two skills, but you can have three if you start at 7 Willpower instead of 10.
This is kind of like a winning condition: if you complete your obsession more than other Voices complete their obsession, you win. Obsessions come in three grades: Level 1 (pretty easy to accomplish, like “Pigging out on candy”), Level 2 (more difficult or risky, like, “dressing up in women’s clothing and hitting on strangers,”), and Level 3 (nearly impossible to accomplish, like, “Blowing up buildings”). The harder obsessions count more than the easier ones.
If you’re going to seriously compete with the other Voices, you probably should keep your sheet a secret.
John is a totally insane man in Minneapolis. He is controlled by the Voices in his head — one at a time, of course.
John is not terribly competent; he has difficulty with a lot of things that you and I might take for granted. Whenever John attempts anything that an ordinary person might have any chance of failure at, he needs to roll for success.
The Voice who is currently in control of John does the rolling. If that Voice has a skill that covers the challenge, the Voice needs to roll a 3 or higher on the single d6. If it doesn’t have a skill, it needs to roll a 6. However, before the roll, the Voice can spend any number of Willpower points to get a +1 per point spent on the die roll. This can make success automatic.
Becoming the active Voice is a bit of a challenge, though. Whenever John wakes up or gets hurt, a test for control of John happens. Also, whenever the currently active Voice fails a roll or completes its obsession, a test for control of John happens.
When a test for control of John occurs, all of the Voices who are interested simultaneously bid one or more Willpower points (if you’re using tokens for Willpower, it’s easiest for everyone to just hold out the tokens in their closed hands, and then, when everyone’s ready, reveal the number of tokens). Voices don’t have to bid if they don’t want to (and you can hold out zero tokens if you want to fake out the other Voices). The highest number of Willpower becomes the active Voice. If multiple people bid the same highest amount, then they roll off to see who becomes active.
The Voice who becomes active loses the amount of Willpower it bids. All others keep their bids. It’s perfectly acceptible for the previously active Voice to win a bid and remain active.
Whenever John wakes up, the struggle for control of John happens before the GM describes the situation John wakes up into.
John is pretty easily distracted. Whenever nothing exciting is happening for ten minutes or more (such as on a bus ride or the like), the GM should roll a die. On a roll of 4 or higher, John goes to sleep and wakes up whenever (prompting a struggle for control of John). When John naps like this, all of the Voices gain one Willpower.
Play begins with John waking up in the morning (and a test for control of him). The GM then describes the circumstances into which he wakes up. With John, you never can tell. He could be in a gutter somewhere, or he could be in a palatial estate, or anywhere in between. The Voices really have no idea how they ended up here.
At this point, the Voices should start working on fulfilling their obsessions and avoiding getting John killed. Inevitably, their Willpowers will decrease. Once all of the Voices are out of Willpower, John sinks back into sleep, and the game session is over.
At this point, the Voices reveal their obsessions and count up how many times each was filled. Note that it counts for you if someone else is Active and fulfills your obsession.
Now, multiply the number of times you fulfilled your obsession by your obsession’s rank (1, 2, or 3). That’s the number of points you have. Highest number of points wins the game, and, generally speaking, is the GM of the next game of Everyone is John.
aho! or baka!
translation: (you are really) stupid!
translation:stop it! (that’s so irritating!)
translation: whooooa. you’ve gotten so fat!
urusai yo! or shizukani shiteyo
translation: I’m gonna kill ya!
fuzaken jyane–yo nande sonna koto shitan dayo-?!?!
translation: damn! why the hell did you do that?
koro shite yaru-!
translation: Just another way of saying: I’m gonna kill ya!
a- mendokusai or kattari~ or dari~
translation: this sucks! (in the sense of: aaaauuw. why do we have to do this?!)
translation: feh! or weirdo!
translation: what is wrong with him!
translation: this is so stupid! (in the sense of: aaaauuk. why are we doing this?!)
translation: I’m gonna hit ya!
translation: back off!/go away!
translation: that’s so cheesy or you smell
translation: don’t come near me!
translation: are you tryin’ to rip me off?
translation: bitch (or ugly girl)
translation: I’m really p*ssed off!
translation: are you tryin’ to p*ss me off?
translation: this is rotten!
kittana-i (girl) kittane (guy)
translation: gross! (that is very unsanitary)
translation: you jerk/fool!
(from eclpi5e, in kansai dialect)
translation: why/what the hell did you do that for?!